A Couple French Fries Short of a Happy Meal

When living in a hostel here in Kolkata, there are a few different types of people that you come across.  There are the people who came here for similar reasons that I did, to volunteer.  There are those who have the travel bug and those who are simply living a transient life style.  One of the best learning experiences I have had is getting to interact with different people from all over the world.  There are those deeply religious people who have come to Kolkata for a spiritual pilgrimage or because God has led them on a path that has brought them here.  Then there are those that just love to experience the world and sample it's many flavors.  And then there is my personal favorite, the crazy people.

The Writer

The most obvious crazies leave you in no doubt in of their mental state and often leave a trail of wide stares, gaped mouths and suppressed giggles in their wake.  Take for instance this one woman.  Back in early February Hanna and I were siting on the roof of the Paragon where she was giving me a henna tattoo.  We were having a lovely time sitting in the afternoon sun listening to music when a woman plopped down in a near by chair.  While Hanna had been doodling up my arm, I was watching the kittens that lived on the roof scamper about.  After sitting for a moment the woman heaved a heavy sigh and mourned for the lack of proper care for the litter.  I informed her of how their mother was very active and attentive.  

"Yes," she worried, "but what do they eat? ... Do cats eat meat"

I paused for a moment  pondering whether this woman has forgotten that kitties are related to lions and were not always domesticated.  They did not simply poof into existence for us to create funny collages and youtube videos, but then replied, "Well they're still nursing, so mom just has to feed herself. "  During this I tried heartily to disguise the incredibly judgmental face that I was wearing.  I also, recalled the large number of rats and mice I had seen, the cat is probably just doing fine.

"I have a whole box of powdered milk at home," she said after a few minutes "I wish I would have thought to bring it."

Ok, a couple of things here.  First of all, no one likes powdered milk and I highly doubt that any stray cat living off of the big fat juice rats here would take powdered milk over fresh meat.  Second of all this woman is English, which means that she is upset that she didn't forsee the "need" cart he box of powdered milk from the UK to India to feed the cat that lives at the hostel that she just happened to stay at.  And third of all, I'm still not over the fact that she didn't know that cats eat meat!  

As I was mulling over the scene that had just played out, I noticed a man peering conspicuously over his book at the woman.  I saw that he was reading Harry Potter and in an attempt to steer the conversation in a different direction I asked him if it was his first time reading it.  We started chatting about the book and he said he had never read them but he was looking to read a book in English to improve his. Just as our banter was starting to really take off the woman interrupted us.

"You know, she stole that idea from me."

Oh boy...

"...J.K. Rowling.  I was going to write about them.  And I had a little book about the stories and I told it to her on a flight from Singapore. I told her all about it and she stole my book and she stole my idea.  I was going to write about Harry and Hermin and the redheaded guy."

W-w-what?  It is a well known fact that Ms. Rowling was just about broke when she started writing HP, so what was she doing in Singapore?  And Hermin and the redheaded guy?  Yes, those sound like great supporting characters.

The Foreigner

Not all crazies are as special as the writer.  Some just are a bit different or rather more difficult than others.  For a while we had a great run with roommates in our room. For many weeks there was a general feeling of comrodery between my roomies and me.  We were all very different people and in different part of our lives but we got along splendidly.  We ate meals together, we to the movies together and walked to the mother house every morning together.  But time passes and people move on and go on their separate paths and you have to just celebrate the fact that the universe was kind enough to bring you all together for one shining moment in time.  That, and try very hard not to take it out on your new roommate when they don't seem to be as agreeable.  After Hanna and Claire left, Rachel and I seemed to have a constant revolving door of people coming in and out of our dorm.  Most people were pleasant enough, or kept to themselves.  However, one man proved to be the most obnoxious of them all.

By this time, I had been in Kolkata for about six weeks and the temperature was staring to rise.  When I first arrived here, it was rather cold at night and I required a blanket when sleeping.  But by the end of February the heat stopped disappearing at nigh.  As I lay in bed one night, attempting to get comfortable, I realized that it wasn't going to happen and I found it necissary for the first time to turn our fan on.  I walked over to the switch on the wall and the man cried from his bed, "No, I am so cold.  Please, no fan."  I was rather sympathetic, he had been sick, so I complied, and went back to my bed, warm and sticky.

A few nights passed, and the heat really started to change and unfortunately my roommate had not.  We were not dipping below seventy five degrees at night and I attempted to turn the fan on a few more times but every time I got the same response.  At this point I wanted to ask ask if he was visiting Kolkata from the sun since he was so cold.  I also wanted to tell him to go get a sweater since he could layer up but I certainly couldn't strip down.

That night, Rachel woke up to a rustling sound in the room.  Remember the rats I talked about?  Well it seems my friend from the sun left a large bag of candy and treats on the floor under his bed and that the rats of the area were having a feast.  This guy officially won the title for worst roommate ever.  If you are going to be inconsiderate enough to turn our room into a Sizzler for rats then I can not give a crap about your cold.  From then on we slept with the fan on, he could suck it up.

The Animal Lover

Crazy people, just like normal people, come in all shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, you think that you could be talking to someone who is perfectly sane who then slowly over time reveals themselves to be otherwise. There was this exuberant young girl from France who was doing some volunteer work when I first started.  She was young with messy hair and blotchy skin but had a wonderful effervescent aura about her.  We chatted for a bit when I first met her and she seemed perfectly lovely.  A bit messy and her English was not very good but I was no ravishing beauty and I speak no other languages so who am I to judge.  Then after seeing her around a few times I notice that she was not like most people, who had their "dirty" days and their "clean" days but rather just looked as if she never showered, ever.  But again, who am I to judge?

One day my roommate Rachel came back from Titigar, the leper colony and was telling me this story of this girl who kept wandering away from the group.  When you get to the colony they specifically tell you to stay together when touring the grounds.  The actual colony is across these train tracks and surrounded by large piles of garbage and refuse.  Rachel was saying how stressful it was because this girl wandered off into the heaps of trash and wouldn't stay with the group.  

"It was like trying to heard cats." -she said.

Then later we were walking out and I saw the French girl playing with several street dogs covered with mange and who knows what.  They were licking her face and she was kissing their mouths.  Rachel identified her as the girl in the trash.  By that time, I wasn't really surprised.

The Social Networker

One morning while I sat soaking my feet in the hallway of the paragon I  brought my iPad out with me to watch a movie while I put my make-up on.  I was minding my own business and had my headphones in so that not everyone had to listen to my movie when a woman approached me and started talking.  We will call her Lucy.  Realizing that Lucy was asking me a question I pulled my headphones out and apologized saying that I did not hear her.  She proceeded to ask me the usual questions I get about my iPad and wanted to know if I had internet.  The exchange was cordial enough but then drew on and I needed to get back to the task at hand so that I could go about my day.  The conversation while pleasant lasted about fifteen minutes longer that I would have preferred.  When the conversation finally did finish we had discussed everything from real estate in Singapore to whether it is safe for a lone woman to travel in the States.  While I could not have cared less about the former topic that latter made me chuckle since she was traveling alone in India.  

I ran into Lucy again by the bathroom that night and knew almost immediately that I was in for another long haul.  This time she wanted to know if I knew Chris.  I told her that I had not had the pleasure yet of meeting him.  She then launched into how great of a guy he was and he showed her the juice place.  I told her I didn't know the juice place.  She said that she was sure Chris would be more than happy to show me where it was.  Also that he was a very trust worthy person, that he would never take advantage of a young lady such as myself.  This was actually a little alarming.  I generally don't assume that people are going to take advantage of me, but why would you say that?  I bid her goodnight and returned hastily to my room.  

Then next day I saw her again and she asked me if I knew John.  I did not.  She then proceeded to tell me much more about John that I'm sure he was comfortable with the general public knowing.  He was very ill and he was having problems with his insurance and his visa was also up.  She was going to try to find out whether his government would pay his hospital bill.  This all seemed very intrusive to me.  She then wanted to know if I would go with her to the German embassy to see what we could do.  I had never met this man, and I told her I didn't feel comfortable doing that.  Also, I had to go to work.  She sighed a little disappointed and then asked me if I would like to go visit him.  I again told her that I had never met John and that if he really was as sick as she was saying then I certainly didn't feel comfortable making any introductions while he was in that grave condition.  She looked a little put out, but I was not going to intrude on this man's privacy, it felt very inappropriate. 

I was now was attempting to spend as little time in the hallway as possible.  But I ran into Lucy a several times over the next few days anyway.  With every encounter there seemed to be introductions with several other people with a pleasant but glazed look in their eyes.  Poor Lucy, she really had very good intentions but failed to understand that not everyone feels the need to get to know everyone.  This is a hostel, not summer camp.  I simply don't need to be set up on play dates with people.  Not to mention it can be a bit exasperating when you go on your play date only to realize that the other person doesn't speak English at all.  

One the third evening of her stay, I was once again in the hallway soaking my feet, listening to music and working on my iPad.  I wasn't there for too long when my new favorite interloper came up to me to ask about my day.  Her questions didn't last long before she launched into some life lessons.  She told me that she was very concerned for me and that I needed to get out, meet people and make friends.  I should not spend so much time on my computer because relationships are wonderful.  She told me that I need to find a man to spend time with (not necessarily in a physical way) because men are wonderful.  She told me I have potential and that when you kiss a man, he grows.  Not physically, although sometimes he will *wink* and that can be really nice.  Physical relationship don't just benefit a man, a woman needs to be touched sometimes too and that is nothing to be ashamed of.  But men can be shy and sometimes you need to be pushy, cunning and forward with them.  That is in fact how she got her husband.  Well, actually her ex husband.  He loved someone else, but she hung around till he chose her.  And while he does not love her anymore she still loves him.  So I should get out there, and eat healthy food and go for a walk after dinner, because that will help with the excess fat.  

I don't know how I managed to not laugh.  Perhaps it was the fact that I was completely dumbfounded and incredulous that I was receiving a "birds and the bees" talk nearly twenty years too late from a complete stranger.  And let us not forget, more weight loss tips.  But I do know that I deserve quite the pat on the back for my censure, for I only reacted with looks of mild interest and comprehension.  At least one of us knew how to hold our tongue.  Brava!

The Healer

The first time I saw this next man I had to suppress a chuckle.  He was dressed in a button up shirt and cargo shorts with hiking boots.  He donned a backpack with many accessories on in including sunscreen, a water canteen, a handkerchief and hand sanitizer all on the outside.  He was very excited, very prepared, very short, very round and very Asian.  I was looking at a grown up version of Russell from the movie Up.  

But while he physically resembled the lovable wilderness explorer in looks and exuberance the resemblance stopped there.  He was at the mother house but one day before he started running around after breakfast had ended announcing the house that he was going to and trying to round up others who were heading there as well.  He also starting running into the different rooms at the paragon in the mornings announcing that the group for the mother house was leaving.  What group?  We are all adults and once again this is not summer camp!  I am a grown and very capable woman.  I do not need to hold hands in a group on my way to mother house,  I do not need a tour guide who has been here about two seconds and I most certainly do not need a human alarm clock bursting into my room while I'm getting dressed in the morning.  

On his fourth morning I was standing at the sinks brushing my teeth when he came over and struck up a conversation with my roommates and me.  We all stood there wishing he would go away as he prattled on when things took a left turn into crazy town.  He went on about he was a massage therapist and that he had cured ten of the paralyzed people at kalighat (the home for the dying) in his three days there.  He was hoping to have cured them all by the end of the week when he left.  He has magic hands you know.

He turned and walked away and I turned and looked at Rachel laughing and sputtering through my toothpaste.  She looked at me and rolled her eyes, "that is exactly the kind of guy I don't like.  He was going on and on yesterday about how his magic hands make girls boobs grow." 

The Lover & The Dancer

By this time I am sure that you have realized that the hallway at the paragon is a hotbed for interactions with people who are chock-full-o-nuts.  Apparently, I am not as smart as you.  Or perhaps a better assessment of the situation was that all of the batty folk that I had run into were over all pretty harmless.  However, this last interaction was to be the end of my hallway adventures.   

I sat washing my feet, yet again when a young French man came and sat down at the table I was at and began talking at me.  I once again removed my headphones and indulged yet another human being who does not understand the headphone code.  

The headphone code: If you see someone who has headphones in it means that they are not looking for a conversation.  They are either previously engaged with the material on their device or looking to just avoid chatting.  It is a polite way of rebuffing people who might be looking for a conversation or to sell you something.  Headphones are essentially the same as having a book, magazine or work papers.   If you have a question, ask it quickly, but then let them get back to what they were previously doing or listening to.  You might be wondering "yes, but what if this person does in fact wish to carry on a polite conversation with me?"   There is a simple way of telling whether they want to or not.  If the person in question stops what they are doing (by either pausing their music, placing their bookmark in and closing their book or putting their magazine or work away) and proceeds to actually engage in the talk, then they are up for it.  Feel free then to chat away.  If the person leaves one earbud or headphone in/over the ear the the answer is no.

This man unlike any of the other eccentric people that I had run into however was drunk.  This became very obvious very quickly.  Between repeated offers for some of his whisky he went on and on about traveling and how much he loved it.  He told me how he was from Paris and that he was a waiter there but here he was a king.  He worked as long as it took him to save money to travel.  He told me that I was a very nice and pretty girl (oh boy) and that I seemed very "simpatique".  He repeatedly apologized for his babbling and asked if i had any cigarettes.  I told him that I do not smoke.  

After several minutes of this nonsense his friend came out to join him.  He talked at me while his friend laughed at him and spoke to him in French.  I am not certain what was said, but I imagine that he was telling him to shut up, that I was just being polite and that he was embarrassing himself.  He asked me if I like gay people, and I said that I did not base my friendships on such trivial things as religion, race or sexual preference.  At this his friend laughed and said that he liked me. 

 At one  point he asked me if I had ever been to Nepal.  I told him not on this trip, but maybe on the next. 

"The heroine there is beautiful."

"Oh ...Well, la-di-dah." 

His friend again laughed, launched into a rant in French and then after a moment of observing his stupefied comrade danced over to me and sang very close to my ear in a very deep and husky voice "silence ... is sexy ... silence ... is sexy" while brushing his fingers from one shoulder to the other on my back.  He then sauntered back to his seat and smiled at me, then looked at his friend.  

"Well, my feet are clean," I said standing " and that just got weird so goodnight."

I gathered up my things and went into my room.  By this time Rachel was asleep but Cynthia was still awake.  I could hardly contain myself, and I had to since both guys were still camped out on the stoop of our dorm.  I immediately began telling Cynthia the story of what just happened and as I was just about done the door opened and the singer popped his head in and asked us if we had a lighter.  We both said no when he looked at one of our random roommates that was sleeping next to the door.  He made a noise and facial expression that suggested that he thought he was attractive and then proceeded to make faces and kissing noises.  I grabbed one of my shirts to cover my face so that I would not laugh out loud, wake the poor boy up and make him aware of what was happening around him.  The man then started to dance around him and mime doing rather questionable things to the sleeping boy.  Cynthia meanwhile had buried her head under her pillow like an ostrich where as I was now nearly eating my shirt to staunch the shock and laughter.  After a few more choice dance moves the man did a turn, then bowed and exited.

"What-"

"Don't" Cynthia strained from underneath her pillow "talk ... to me right now. No ... Just don't."