On the eve of...

In life as well as in books, often we do not know the moment when we are about to embark on the great adventure of our lives. It usually is only through the clarity of hind sight that we are able to discern with appreciative eyes that specific moment.  And I suppose that when I sat in the car with my mother last June I never could have predicted (seeing that she is the second most conservative member of my family) that she would broach the topic of Kolkata, let alone suggest that I go.  I might have realized at that moment that this was it, I don't remember. But I did know that I needed to make a change.  And suddenly as life often does, an unexpected alternative but nonetheless enticing path presented itself. Once I had made the decision to go I was filled with excitement. I immediately began telling people for two reasons. One; to make myself accountable for it, and two; I loved the varied shocked reactions I got when telling family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. However, just like Frodo with his ring, Luke with his lightsaber and Harry with his scar, the gravity of my decision has cascaded over me.

So here I am, it is the night before my departure. I have in no way finished packing, nor have I decided how much I'm packing.  But I have purchased tickets over and back.  I have picked up my visa, bought malaria medication, had $500 worth of vaccinations, and even gone to L.L. Bean to get the strongest damn bug spray they have.  I have said my goodbyes to many people,  shed many tears and I need to sleep.  But I am filled with disbelief, and it is bizarre. It's not fear.  I won't pretend that I'm not nervous at all, but perhaps I'm afraid of the fact that I'm not afraid. I mean come on, this is kind of a big deal.  Perhaps not in the grand scheme of things, but for me certainly it is. I have never gone four months without seeing my family.  I know that I am a very capable twenty-seven year old ...-girl? Can you be a twenty-seven year old girl?  I can tell you I certain don't feel like a woman. I know I am a person, an adult, a broad even, but I am poised on a great precipice ready to take a leap of faith to make me the person I want to be. 

I want so much out of life.  I want to work towards a better existence and I want there to be more compassion and understanding and forgiveness between people.  And I suppose I had best start with myself. I know I have lofty fairytale rose colored glasses dreams. Most likely stemming from too many adventure books and Disney movies, but I won't deny what I want. Mother Teresa has a rather profound and somewhat famous quote "We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." 

So I'm a drop. I'm ok with that.